In Defense of Fat Cigarettes.
By Harmony and Puebes
It is Saturday night on 252 Bowen Street. Sometime between 1:22 and 2:41AM. Outside the function an interview is being conducted. Conditions are loud, dark, sweaty.
Henry Haskell is 23.
The question at hand: the fat cigarette? Or the skinny…
Doodles by F. Buffalo
Puebes
State your name and class year.
Harmony
My heritage is Irish Jewish. And here’s my thought—
The Hostess
–multifaceted.
Harmony
My thought is that the fat cigarette. The quintessential AMERICAN cigarette—
Puebes
Oh?
Harmony
MALBRO—
Puebes
OH?
Inaudible protests arise from a nearby tree upon which smoking internationals are leaning.
The Hostess
Malboroughs are literally so English mate!
[she is wrong.]
Have you never been to Malborough England?
Harmony
FAT CIGARETTES are American in every way.
Vague rumbles of ‘Quiet on the Creek’ can be heard in the distance.
Harmony
The skinny cigarette is, in all ways, European. For one thing— it’s skinny. I think any American smoking one would agree, they’re thinking “Oh, yeah, don’t I look so European right now?”
[adopts awful, awful English accent]
except, they DON’T have that accent. They have a fucking west Virgina accent because they’re POSERS. The FAT cigarette is stupid. It’s dumb, but it’s classic. And in every way those three adjectives describe what it means to be American. Stupid dumb and classic.
Harmony begins to quote Tim Dillon. A new interviewee is found.
Miss G. Kandy An American.
I personally am a firm believer in the Marlboro gold. I do NOT like skinny cigarettes in the slightest. I do not. Skinny cigarettes are a conversation piece. People think they’re smoking less nicotine, therefore they’re less of a fiend but—
Harmony
It’s the same amount of nicotine!
[he is wrong.]
Puebes
What do you think the skinny cigarette has to do with femininity specifically?
Harmony
I’m going to go pee in the bushes.
Harmony exits in typical fat cigarette supporter fashion.
G. Kandy
Ok can I tell you about femininity?
Puebes
Please.
G. Kandy
The skinny cigarette says “Oo I have restraint. I have willpower. I’m not gonna finish a full cigarette as a woman with my little lungs.”
The Hostess
My little dainty feminine lungs.
G. Kandy
It is 100% for aesthetics and it is 100% because it shows a femininity and Parisian daintiness that is achievable.
She pauses.
The skinny is an attempt at being a conversationalist and chic and blah blah blah. But here’s the thing
She stops to hold out her skinny cigarette.
I have THIS much left [a lot of it] and it’s burnt out. Because I’ve been fucking talking to people. So I hate the skinny cigarette— is my point.
A male American, C. Pino, now enters the scene.
Mr Pino
I like the skinny cigarette.
Puebes
Oh, he LIKES the skinny cigarette. Why? Tell me.
Mr Pino
It lasts way longer than the fat cigarette. It’s just long. It’s chic.
The Hostess
It’s chic.
Mr Pino
It’s chic.
We like skinny cigarettes because they’re chic and more social! They last longer so you can chat chat chat with more people.
The Hostess
You know what I like? I think we should bring back the cigarette holder.
Puebes
The what?
Mr Pino
Oh yes! Yes!
The Hostess
The cigarette holder is even LONGER. It’s cute. It’s transatlantic, bringing together the European continent and the American one… with transatlanticism
Mr Pino
Have you heard of Rose DeWitt Bukater?
The Hostess
No.
Mr Pino
From the Titanic 1997?
Puebes
Oh, surely.
Mr Pino
She smoked cigarettes from the, you know, the holder.
Harmony returns from the bushes.
Harmony
You guys are arguing!
The Hostess
No.
Mr Pino
No we’re not. We’re actually agreeing
Harmony accosts a new interviewee, a female American who for the purposes of this interview wishes to be referred to as Abeja. We do not know why.
Puebes
What do you of the skinny versus the fat cigarette?
Abeja
I think skinny is the way to go.
Harmony
Oh my god.
Abeja
Because it makes me feel like Audrey Hepburn.
Harmony
Such a dumb take.
Abeja
Fat is a little too try-hard. It’s wanting to be taken seriously. Like I’m commanding, I’m cool, I have a thick one.
The Hostess
Penis envy!
The owner of the house comes to quiet the interview.
Mr. Lucke
Banquet staff. We have to keep the decibels to a limitation.
Apologies are given.
Order is restored.
Harmony
So let’s talk about penis envy. Obviously a thick penis is better than a skinny penis, as 6 inches and thick is better than 7 and skinny.
Abeja
Is it?
The Hostess
Is it?
Harmony
Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’ll just say here. This is the QUINTESSENCE of why the thick cig is better. It just—the skinny cig has no—comment on dit ça?—PUNCH behind it. It has nothing to back itself up with. While the thick cigarette is a statement in and of itself. It’s the whole thing.
It is revealed that Abeja has never smoked a cigarette in her life.
The Hostess
You know— I want to know what Puebes’ take is.
A hush falls over the crowd.
Puebes
I am 100% without a doubt
What does he think?
Harmony
HOLD ON.
Puebes
A full, FULL, aggressive proponent of the…..
THICK cigarette.
Harmony
YES! YES!
Abeja
Okay. When I stand there watching someone smoke a cigarette. When I see a skinny, I really do a double-take. I go back to the 1930s. It makes me think of the chic woman who’s empowered. She’s taking a moment by the window. She’s overwhelmed. She’s looking at the moon. And that’s for me the proper way to smoke a cigarette. I rarely see everyone smoking a skinny together.
The Hostess
Someone stands out with the skinny. It’s obviously more visual.
Harmony
It’s obviously a lot harder to get a skinny cigarette at a store. The thick is much more accessible. To get is a skinny is like “oh I’m GOING for that.”
Abeja
I don’t think anyone’s first time smoking they go to buy a skinny. I think you’re experienced. You’re a connoisseur of sorts.
Puebes
Can I chime in? If you are a girl’s girl— your first cigarette is a skinny cigarette.
The Hostess
As PUEBES would know! (Puebes is a man.)
As a girl’s girl.
Puebes
As a girl’s girl.
Abeja
I think a skinny unites women, empowers women, and I wish they were more accessible to women.
Puebes
WHAT?
Harmony
WHAT?
The Hostess
How are they not accessible to women?
Abeja
Why are thick cigarettes sold more?
Silence.
The Hostess
It’s the fucking patriarchy.
Puebes
It’s the free market!
Harmony
Puebes is sexist. Racist. Absolutely despicable in everyway, and that is the conclusion we’ve made from these interviews.
